Fearful of the fear of the fear.

Here lately fear has taken residence. I am not 100% sure what spawned this fear, but here I am almost swallowed by it. I’m not sure if fear is what comes to mind when one thinks of parenthood or adoption-hood…but I’ve got to assume having no prior knowledge of motherhood that it is normal. Or at least that is what I have been telling myself.

I feel like I am drowning in the fear of all these unknowns. Anyone and I mean anyone who knows me is aware that ten out of ten times I lead with my heart. I always have. I used to view this as a weakness and I used to beat myself up with what a ‘baby’ I was. Now however, I have settled into this as a part of me. I blame my mom, the lady who cries at commercials. I have been overly emotional lately, perhaps no more than usual, but it feels to be more concentrated?! If you don’t believe me, then go read my past adoption posts.

Let’s review these in reverse order:

• Anguish in the choosing
• Thrilling detachment (I am just word smashing at this point LOL)
• Impatience and Peace in Gods perfect providing (P‘s everywhere in that one)
• Excitement in our preparation
• Sadness and Concern
• Hopeful for the future of unknowns
• Empathy in parenting?
• Anticipation in all the changes and still questions of how?
• Amazed
• Enthusiastic

WHICH BRINGS US TO FEAR.

Can I be real with you? Whoever you are who reads my blog…I really don’t know if that many do. I write for me, for my unknown child, any family who is curious what we are doing over here, and for the random stranger who may just stumble upon my humble ramblings (sorry to you random stranger).

Anyhow, here is the real deal. I am scared. I am unsure. Let’s be real I am TERRIFIED. I mean, where should I begin? Let’s start with the 1 million questions I’ve raised to my husband who I know is being driven insane as we speak-by me no less.

How are we going to pay for a child?

How are we going to keep providing for a child?

How are we going to do stuff with our child?

How will we find time to be together TOGETHER ;)?

How will we connect? We’ve been we for 7 years and now we will be a US.

How do I parent?

What is parenting?

What if we don’t bond?

What if our kid wishes we hadn’t adopted them?

How do we help our kid heal?

How do we set rules/expectations right off the bat?

How do you change rules/expectations as needed?

What are bedtimes and homework? I mean, we just do whatever, whenever, and however…and now there are routines that must be somewhat set in stone.

Chores? yay or nay?

Communication?

How will we ever get ahead on ANYTHING?

Does free time exist when you are a parent?

How will we have time together?

How will we do practices, recitals, church, family time and have a general routine?

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As evidenced by the above WORDAGES, I could keep going.

I digress or progress depending on how you see things. I don’t really know how to end this ramble of a post. To be honest I think many avoid this emotion of  fear all together, especially where parenthood is concerned. This is a time where you are supposed to smile, and dream, and laugh, and dream, and smile and HELLO FREAK OUT A LITTLE. Doesn’t a wedding day like jitters exist for new parents? I am not doubting actually adopting, I know I want to. I know we feel compelled to begin our family this way, but I am scared of how we will do it all. So now will just accept this as a normal part of beginning a new journey.

embrace. the. fear.

(repeat until it’s believable or until you get tired, whichever comes first)