Fearful of the fear of the fear.

Here lately fear has taken residence. I am not 100% sure what spawned this fear, but here I am almost swallowed by it. I’m not sure if fear is what comes to mind when one thinks of parenthood or adoption-hood…but I’ve got to assume having no prior knowledge of motherhood that it is normal. Or at least that is what I have been telling myself.

I feel like I am drowning in the fear of all these unknowns. Anyone and I mean anyone who knows me is aware that ten out of ten times I lead with my heart. I always have. I used to view this as a weakness and I used to beat myself up with what a ‘baby’ I was. Now however, I have settled into this as a part of me. I blame my mom, the lady who cries at commercials. I have been overly emotional lately, perhaps no more than usual, but it feels to be more concentrated?! If you don’t believe me, then go read my past adoption posts.

Let’s review these in reverse order:

  • Anguish in the choosing
  • Thrilling detachment (I am just word smashing at this point LOL)
  • Impatience and Peace in Gods perfect providing (P‘s everywhere in that one)
  • Excitement in our preparation
  • Sadness and Concern
  • Hopeful for the future of unknowns
  • Empathy in parenting?
  • Anticipation in all the changes and still questions of how?
  • Amazed
  • Enthusiastic

WHICH BRINGS US TO FEAR.

Can I be real with you? Whoever you are who reads my blog…I really don’t know if that many do. I write for me, for my unknown child, any family who is curious what we are doing over here, and for the random stranger who may just stumble upon my humble ramblings (sorry to you random stranger).

Anyhow, here is the real deal. I am scared. I am unsure. Let’s be real I am TERRIFIED. I mean, where should I begin? Let’s start with the 1 million questions I’ve raised to my husband who I know is being driven insane as we speak-by me no less.

How are we going to pay for a child?

How are we going to keep providing for a child?

How are we going to do stuff with our child?

How will we find time to be together TOGETHER ;)?

How will we connect? We’ve been we for 7 years and now we will be a US.

How do I parent?

What is parenting?

What if we don’t bond?

What if our kid wishes we hadn’t adopted them?

How do we help our kid heal?

How do we set rules/expectations right off the bat?

How do you change rules/expectations as needed?

What are bedtimes and homework? I mean, we just do whatever, whenever, and however…and now there are routines that must be somewhat set in stone.

Chores? yay or nay?

Communication?

How will we ever get ahead on ANYTHING?

Does free time exist when you are a parent?

How will we have time together?

How will we do practices, recitals, church, family time and have a general routine?

————————————————————————-

As evidenced by the above WORDAGES, I could keep going.

I digress or progress depending on how you see things. I don’t really know how to end this ramble of a post. To be honest I think many avoid this emotion of  fear all together, especially where parenthood is concerned. This is a time where you are supposed to smile, and dream, and laugh, and dream, and smile and HELLO FREAK OUT A LITTLE. Doesn’t a wedding day like jitters exist for new parents? I am not doubting actually adopting, I know I want to. I know we feel compelled to begin our family this way, but I am scared of how we will do it all. So now will just accept this as a normal part of beginning a new journey.

embrace. the. fear.

(repeat until it’s believable or until you get tired, whichever comes first)

 

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6 thoughts on “Fearful of the fear of the fear.

  1. All of this is normal for a mom or dad whether by adoption or by birth! Don’t even sweat this, God will provide in a way that will blow your mind. Your mom instincts will kick in no matter the age of the child. In the meantime, just enjoy being a couple because all will change the minute a child enters your home to join your family! Please know that a lot of people will be praying for you both! Love you much!!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you Aunt Merlileen! Ive loved reading the book by the way! Not sure if you’ve seen my thanks yet! Thank you for the words of wisdom and the prayers 🙏🏻

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  2. Guess what ?

    Your NORMAL !
    All the things your fearful of are a part of the learning process of being a GOOD PARENT !
    I would be worried if you didn’t have fears. You fear along with Matthew’s is just a way to know your prepared for this Fantastic Journey your about to start.
    Fear is good – fear is helpful – fear is a way..o know your prepared……WHY…..because your mentally preparing for this journey.
    The answers will come ……NATURALLY…….because you love this Child ALREADY!

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    1. Good stuff Dad! You sure sound wise! Perhaps you’re right, these questions are a good way to prepare ourselves! Love you, can’t wait to see you spoil our kids!!

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  3. Oh girl…this is all the “normal” fears of parenting. It just shows how seriously you take this calling to parenthood. You will be amazing parents…because you care this much. Prayers for you all!

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    1. I’ve been losing my mind over all this, and pray so hard that we are able to be “Godly ” parents to this child(ren). It’s so scary to be embarking on this journey but it’s also incredibly exciting! Thank you for your normalizing it. Thank you most of all for your prayers, keep them coming!

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