Trust is tricky 2.0

BIG C is a fighter. I mean that both positively and negatively. He’s been through so much. He has had dozens of people let him down. He’s had numerous caseworkers, many homes/placements. Several school, lots of families, new sports, lost friends and nothing has been constant.BIG C PLAYING HIS NEW DRUM SET FOR HIS BIRTHDAY 🎉 

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked him one night…{often I ask questions at night. It’s when his guard is the most down} 

” What’s the hardest part of fostercare ?”
He said, “…umm all the new rules everywhere and always calling someone new mom & dad.” If that doesn’t give you insight read again. His life has been change EVERYWHERE around him and everything always in motion. Consistency and dependability are vital in a child’s development. Big C has not had that and with that come repercussions. He has learned that his survival depends on his ability to push others aside and to not let anyone in. He has had what I call compounded trauma. Initial trauma that landed him in care and then continued trauma throughout his life & with each change he’s learned to push others as far away as possible especially when they don’t serve his survival. He has learned to isolate out of a basic fear response of abandonment. These repercussions have significant implications on the brain. Key components like love, trust, honesty, dependability, family roles and family are developed early on and from these teachings others teachings spawn off. But BIG failed to have the consistency in these ways and has failed to learn the foundational concepts. We have a battle, a battle for his heart and life. Big C struggles to see value in relationships…most days are a battle with him and some days…A LOT of days we lose.

Parenting a child from hard places comes with a unique set of challenges…challenges which bring about confusion and strife. Most of our parenting won’t …NO can’t look like a normal parent. It can’t. We have no foundation from which to parent. Consequences oftentimes right now have no significance, they fight more. Trying to play to their emotions…FAIL, they believe often that to show emotions is to be weak and let others in and do they’ll fight and fight and fight beyond even explanation to essentially make it their mission to be rejected…because moving and being abandoned is to be safe. 

Read that again being abandoned is to be safe.

ABANDONMENT = SAFETY

He doesn’t want to care, has learned not to care EXCEPT as it serves him. Foster kids a lot of the time when they’ve been through so much learn that lying, hurting, manipulating is to be in control..and therefore is safety. And they’re good at it and do not see the beating it has in relationships. What is a relationship? To them, relationships have never lasted in any capacity and so they have no value. People are dispensable. Please don’t misunderstand this blog. This is not about bashing all foster kids. This blog is to show you the stark reality that is foster care, you don’t sign up into this expecting it to be roses and butterflies. We are working hard to love these children through these battles. We fight DAILY and I mean hour by hour to instill in them everything they’ve not learned, to teach, to care, to love, to be on age level,to help, CONSTANTLY trying to elicit their safety out… because from safety everything else grows. Trying to parent, connect, care for, teach, elevate, reprogram,  reach. Our kids RARELY play alone. We spend almost every waking moment monitoring, guiding, communicating, playing and connecting.

 Our evenings from 5:00-8:00 are jam full of redirections, there are REALLY NEVER easy days. We get easy moments and when the kids are around others they can often put up a show. Trust is tricky. To trust to to be unsafe. BIG C feels chaos inside and must create chaos around himself to feel safe. His mission daily is to 
1- push us away by every volatile way

and when we have breakthroughs we are guaranteed at least a week of regression.

2-fight until we break…breaking us is to have control. “If I break them I’ll feel good, I’ll feel peace and I’ll feel JOY…yes joy” it’s how his brain is wired.

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