Trust is tricky…

Imagine for a moment that your entire life has been a series of people abandoning you,  for various reasons each time. However, each time its been in response to your behavior. You’ve been told you’re too much, too bad, too hard. You look around and see other kids with mom, with dads, with families and you eventually deduce that you aren’t worthy of love or family. As a result of this TRUTH in your life you realize that as a means of survival you must fulfill the prophecy. What used to be anger from your initial abandonment from bio mom & bio dad has now transpired into a way of life. Essentially I will try my hardest to please but eventually the steam runs out and I sabotage myself in order to protect. It’s survival at its base. It’s learning no way to get through life except through causing strife. This way becomes as essential as water & food.

Image result for mission

To make the operative family abandon me, due to me—therefore I AM IN CONTROL.

This is life. I wish I was exaggerating.I wish that love was enough. I wish hugs or psychotropic medications could fix all this. But none of that can exclusively solve any problem/distress.


  • its medication management in the interim while we work on neurological connections to form that didn’t form before
  • its consistency
  • its coping skills being developed
  • its learning to cope with life ‘s No’s & Stressors without running at someone with a pencil. Its learning that there other ways to deal with abandonment and fear than pulling out hair. It’s learning that hurting verbally ALL.THE.TIME and physically half the time is not healthy even though its become your way of life for the past 4 years.
  • it’s therapy weekly or more+++++
  • it’s learning emotional regulation that they’ve only minimally learned and are vastly off target for their age.
  • it’s learning to deal with their sensory deprivation in healthy ways.
  • it’s being in almost constant contact with the school & teachers that serve your child(ren)
  • it’s having meeting roughly 8-10 times a month between both social workers, school, therapist, psychiatrist and any other appointments
  • it’s sending weekly reports to your;
    • parent mentor
    • child’s therapist
    • your social worker
    • the child social worker and anyone else that needs to know.
  • it’s becoming an investigator of triggers and finding equilibrium between good stress & bad stress that’s likely to send them into psychosis. A psychosis which will result in them being a danger to themselves or others
  • AND MORE components that couldn’t possibly be captured here…

Bottom line is, this is infinitely harder than I can even capture in words at this time, but not without a great deal of   Image result for joyread on…

My brain, my heart, my being has been spinning for weeks trying to begin this very blog in my heart first as a way to sort out my tornado emotions and thoughts.


About two weeks ago after what was a productive session for little C with Mrs. Sharlotte , Mrs. Sharlotte opted to hang around to see the kids in their natural environment, outside of session. The time had hit as the time of day that the kids lose all control of themselves after a day of fighting their own survival. Which results in days upon days of psychosis being switched off an on and the emotional circuit-board going haywire. As a result of the haywirey-ness* Little C spun out and her behavior was erratic.

She was unstoppable and eventually I broke. I cried as she was eating a granola. I gave her granola to satiate her immediate needs and she responded with “I hate you”, ripping it out of my hand and thanking Matthew and completely ignoring me. She was not in control of herself and as her counselor put it, she was out-of-touch. All we could do was wait and keep her safe in the meantime. After an hour of running, kicking, punching, pulling, destroying and spewing words too hateful to remember. She finally ran out of steam and came back down to reality.

She saw me crying and her ability to relate became apparent once again and we hugged as I stated “I think we both need a hug right now”, we embraced. “Want to go outside for a short time together?”-I stated. She complied and on the porch I rocked my girl and we talked about all the HURT that had ensued over the past hour. She cried, I cried she felt remorse that she had hurt us and it was a step forward like never before, its not a magic spell its simply time and consistency that can heal all things—and healing has begun. She said she became afraid that I’d hurt her–I told her I NEVER wanted to hurt  her EVER & she shared that someone else said that and then hurt her. She said she was scared and sad and mad and lonely. We discussed each briefly and I explained that I never wanted to hold her like that but that when she was being dangerous I had to hold her, to keep her safe.

Once we walked around the yard and identified flowers and found brothers ball we headed back in. Inside the next moment while she was nibbling on dinner that had begun this spiral outward she reported to me assuredly “You are the girl that I needed” & she repeated “you were the girl I needed, the perfect girl for me” AND “I was lonely before I got here.” Read the bold again. Let the immensity of her words sink it. Later I reflected and thought why didn’t she say “momma?” since that’s what she calls me and then Matthew explained , “because Ryann she’s had dozens of momma’s in foster care, she wanted to make the distinction that you weren’t just another momma. Think about that. This 6 year old showed more depth in her limited vocabulary than I can even receive. She broke me, I broke in the most beautiful, fearful, necessary and loving way. She let me in, if only for a moment she let me into her brokenness.

  1. Next week I will have installment number 2.0 of TRUST IS TRICKY…with BIG C in mind for what happened between he & I.

2.  & following that will be my MOTHERS DAY INSTALLMENT. How do we honor bio mom…Tonya.


love Ryann


One thought on “Trust is tricky…

  1. So beautiful. Such a long and hard journey but as i said before, when it starts to fall into place, the love returned to you both for all the sacrifice and tears and more will be when the sun shines through and they look and say, “Thank you for not giving up, for believing in us and showing us what true love is”. And then you will have the beauty revealed that scars of the past destroyed for them.


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