The Ebb & Flow

            The ocean is interesting in 

          its calmness and it’s calamity. 

Imagine as the water rushes into shore, the speed and power it brings with it. And in an instant it crashes into the sand! Wreaking havoc and dispersing sand, water splashes about and everything is tossed around. And in the very next instant the water retreats back out to sea, slowly this time taking with it it’s havoc, it’s loudness and it’s intensity. You’re left with only a memory of what once was, only seconds before. 

This process of fostercare is basically the same. It comes crashing in with anger and intensity and joy at its peak and in an instant it’s replaced with fear responses and trauma inklings bubbling to the surface and again the next peace again. It’s unlike anything else. Parenting is hard enough without trying decipher this every second. You look into a boys eyes and you try to draw a distinction…is this the ADHD, typical 8 year old boy or is this his trauma response and fear from his life so unstable. And sometimes you’re right and sometimes you’re wrong and sometimes you don’t know which to think. You just know the waves will retreat. 

This has been by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But with that I’ve felt more love in my heart and laughter in my home than ever before. I can’t wait to get home to see them and although many days I don’t know how we’ll make it through I remind myself that each day is new. In those first few weeks I didn’t have this instant love that many movies and stories speak of. I didn’t know that I had made the **right** decision. Love wasn’t some magical feeling. Those first few weeks love was a choice. This may sound foreign so let me explain. Love in any relationship begins as foreign. I didn’t for example look at my husband and just decide I loved him. I may of felt the warm and fuzzies I may of even felt admiration and excitement but love grows deeper over time. I chose to love these children, my children from the place where I receive love, from my Father in heaven. I chose to love from the purest place I knew. I looked upon them with the value I knew God saw in them, I loved them as precious children. My heart has begun to pick up pace and my love for these two grows deeper and takes root and it’s exciting. I’m falling in love with my children and it’s a beautiful place be.

I’m falling in love with my children with all their quirks and traits and established personalities. It’s a beautiful place to be. πŸ’™πŸ’—

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