Today was a day. I honestly can’t say thing anything else. Today I went to work for the first time since AC (after children) as my co-workers and I joked today. I went to work for half+ a day and then I came home. I came home to what I can best describe as, ” Houston we have a problem”, actually about 1 million problems and zero solutions.
When I came home I saw a boy at his wits end. A boy who fully blames his sister for their disruptions
Disruptions: The term disruption is used to describe an adoption process that ends after the child is placed in an adoptive home and before the adoption is legally finalized, resulting in the child’s return to (or entry into) foster care or placement with new adoptive parents.
A boy who in all actuality behaves better outwardly but who struggles just as much if not more inwardly. A boy who calls himself “ugly, stupid, fat, and unworthy to be loved”. He is 8, let that sink in…. He blames her more than I think we fully know. A boy who try’s to prove his worthiness lost his battle for today, good thing the war is still going on and we will fight for him and with him for his worthiness. Today that boy lost his will and needed us more than we knew. Today that boys anger boiled over. There is no way to stop a boil when it starts, all we can do is wait for the bubbles to subside. We cant make that happen any faster or slower no matter our will, we can only wait and be there for the boil in the only way we know how just to ‘be’.
Today that boy punched a wooden wall, his knuckles got red and blood came out (not a lot just a little). We had to do a restraint on that boy to protect himself and to protect others, we held him. I maintained a steady voice, I demonstrated breathing and spoke calmly. I repeated, “we love you, you’re going to be okay.” But here’s the truth. Nothing is okay. Nothing about this is okay. Nothing about a boy and girl who’ve lost a mom, a dad, a home, school(S), many families, many homes, many toys, many clothes and any semblance of normal. Nothing is and that is the truth. He fought, he pushed, he kicked, he grunted, he hyperventilated, he fought hard and said things like,”you don’t love me, nobody does, I am not okay, It’s not okay, I can’t breath, LET ME GO NOW, I am going to hurt C (sister), I am going to kill myself, LET ME GO, and screamed sisters name.”
After a while I had to excuse myself and go with a little girl who was sitting alone in the living room hearing all of his remarks about hating her. THANK GOD, NO REALLY! I can’t imagine doing this alone, thank you Lord for a husband. This is impossible alone. We were headed out to doctor when this all happened. I walked C (girl) to her room and explained that bubba didn’t mean what he was saying but that his heart hurt and that when our heart hurts and we speak from that hurt we say things that we wish we didn’t. She was calm, which was surprising. I thank the Lord for that reprise, because if both had lost it we would of been lost. I made the decision to go ahead and take C(girl) to doctor, thankfully the doctors office was only a mile away.
Matthew made the decision to walk C (b) to his room when he calmed down and another punch was thrown a his bedroom wall. Once they calmed down, boy and Matthew decided to walk to doctors office and meet us there. Thank you God for the doctors office being within walking distance. By the time they got to end of the road boy was calming down and when we passed him in the car, he was waving. I got to office, began filling out paperwork for both. Shortly thereafter boy and Matthew showed up. We met doctor, did check up, got a MUCH NEEDED refill of meds that we had been out of for 3 days. We explained trauma a little. Doctor was amazing and helped us get referrals for ALLLLLLL of the needs medically that these littles have. We were at doctor from 2:30-5:00 due to all the issues we came against. We continued to have spats of anger and I sat in back. I did dinner is a spiff thanks to veggie dogs from friends. We had go-gurt, carrots, and grapes and I’d say we were fairly balanced and if not I DON’T CARE LOL, because today the goal became simple; survival, mission accomplished. I learned a valuable lesson, some days are just about getting through the day and thats good enough.
We did dinner, hygiene and dressing as slow as molasses but we did them all. We had our first family visit, a short 20 minutes with Nandy (Matthews mom), kinda last minute but we made it work. We needed her to come tonight because tomorrow we have to drive 45 minutes to a orthopedic doctor for a girl with a temporary cast on her broken leg. I have to work a full day and we need her help tomorrow on drive. We had a great visit, though short. Short was better for a lot of reasons.
WE asked questions of Nandy and her of us. We told jokes, read books, hugged, showed her our room and stuff, prayed, laughed and said goodbye and see you tomorrow.
We had a hard day and many more sure to come. Parenting is hard. Parenting is hard in a different way when its kids of trauma who have moved around constantly and with no set structure EVER. Kids with unmet medical needs physically and mentally. Parenting is hard and today was the hardest yet but we did have nuggets that sustained us. We are tired, we are spacey, we are empty, we are unsure if we made any right decisions today but we did it and today thats enough.
Matthew dealt with all of this even before I got there, it hit its worst when I got home but he had been alone from 8:15-2:00
Goodnight, please keep praying. We need them all. Many have asked what we need besides prayers, we need a lot. We need dinner, we need more time, we need resources, many have asked about giving money or gift cards and thats very kind, thank you. Honestly, we don’t know all we need now, because right now we are working to meet immediate needs and have no time to make lists. We get as we think of it or as it arrives. With that being said, just keep asking us and if you have gifts, use those. We’ll take them.